A Crap Guide to D&D [5th Edition] - Races

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Joseph makes a dumb Dungeons and Dragons guide for dumb people
Download: mega.nz/#!s5RAmS6D!USG3zCcZ_FPMFm1Z0wqwSFrHYsNK9mClMdVmCayr42U
Instrumental: mega.nz/#!xsBCgYob!v5MbdnmkL3rmqyZPcdVRoAF4NTnhQJtGMsFd0cfOaBw
Huge thanks to the Guest Artists for helping with this episode:
Adan - ispulse.info/w/CDWmgX1kc_tEXOd0OJmF_Q
Blaine Simple - ispulse.info/w/7Je57UJURMIx6lrXr3zO4g
Art sources:
Lyrics in pinned comments
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Other music courtesy of Epidemic Sound: player.epidemicsound.com/


  1. JoCat
    Mánuði síðan

    Download: mega.nz/#!s5RAmS6D!USG3zCcZ_FPMFm1Z0wqwSFrHYsNK9mClMdVmCayr42U Instrumental: mega.nz/#!xsBCgYob!v5MbdnmkL3rmqyZPcdVRoAF4NTnhQJtGMsFd0cfOaBw Lyrics: So you picked your class, hold onto your ass its gonna get crass cause RACE - part of the role you can play, some sentient clay, a he she or they, a beast who gets real snarly, and regular chill dude named charlie, if homebrew's free, a big talking tree, welcome to a crap guide to D&D Aarakocra - a big fuckin bird, you got some wings so you can fly, and if non-weapon melee is preferred they get sharp talons to bitch scratch a guy. or maybe you're more of an Aasimar - still avian if you lower the bar angelic people with radiant energy or darkness if you flap your wings edgily Bugbears arent actually bears at all, more like beastly orcs, and just as tall, but oddly sneaky and your arms are long, so you're really freakin good at playing basketball but if going full beast is a little too far, you could always do half and decide to be a centaur, charging at the enemy so they cant readily get steadily back up while you stomp on them deadily for sneaky bunch, the changeling is cool - you make disguise kits a worthless tool, you can change your face to whatever race there's nearly no limit on who you can fool Dragonborn - no not the skyrim kind - are likely the kid of a bard that'll find dragons really hot, so now you shoot acid, or whatever other color your parent's prefered ass is The typical Dwarf with a beautiful beard, you work with your hands, and are physically sturdy, you seem informed about rocks which is weird, try not to obsess or the sesh'll get wordy Elves - are pompous pricks, a dozen flavors to match and mix. they live a long time, dont sleep instead trance. and are hard to be charmed, so bards keep it in your pants pick a Firbolg to be achill-ass cow, most of which have a druidic vow, and dont ask how but they can turn invisible, which is a big concern Genasi elemental genie bastards, one of four elements that they have mastered in some way that lets them do cool shit , like water bend or have a fire breathing armpit Githyanki and githzerai, elves that look like they wanna die. All they’re about is how they clash. Been around 40 years and their lore's still trash. Shortstack - Gnome happy short folk, who are smart and wise and cunning and know how to crack into good camouflage, be it sneaking or magic or cool roguish montage WACK is the goblin, small size hits hard on your noggin, their nimbleness makes it hard to keep pace, they'll hide, and bide, quick slide, and hit your face Muscles are in, though i've bias, so the hottest imo is Goliaths. They're 8 feet tall, have steel for their balls, and can shrug off damage like one man riots Half-Elf the mutts and mules of D&D extra points to spend on two abilities and skills out the ass, it's the best of both races, and backstories usually from stupid places Half-Orc - like I said, muscles are in - you're a ruthless brute who fights to win, your crits get crits, you can terrify, and if you feel like it you can say "NO" to when you die if your luck is nasty, the Halfling is good - you reroll ones and win like you should, and you're hard to scare, so go party with a dragon, and you can slip through if it's angry off the flagon Humans get a little bit of everything, they lack gimmicks or special flair or any zing, but are all around average you know how it is, and the perfect pick if you're boring ere's Races, all the races X2 There's plenty to choose from too many so come witness the list of this guide to all of the Races (races) all the races Hobgoblin, they trust in a code, be it gods or communism or a giant toad, and they’re a prideful chode, so whenever you fail, the more watch you retry means you go beast mode If you’re an edgy avian, Kenku’s sneaky, agile and crafty and can easily lie, they can mimic voices to be a bit cheeky, too bad they get bullied because they cant fly The Kobold is a mischievous one, they hate bright light and there’s often more than one, they can trick dumb fools, then steal their jewels, but ganging up together can be pretty fun Guess it’s the scaly hour cause Lizardfolk have sticks up their ass and cant take a joke, they can bite and craft and stay a while under water, and have hard-ass scales to block canonfodder Loxodon are straight up elephants, their large size & thick hide make them dense, got trunks to smell and are wise and mostly merry but piss one off and you’ll see they’re damn scary Wanna breath underwater? Locathah is a fish, a straight up fish, literally just a fish, your armor starts high, and get tons of resistance, stay dry and you die, you’re still just a fish. Big Beastly Bull is the Minotaur, got horns to charge if you run pretty far, make them shit their pants while you’re at it, being big and scary is a habit, speaking of, Orcs, superstitious and strong, but also often wrong with a minus 2 to int, that’s okay so to say you’re aggressive and massive, got angry parents means they’re rarely passive Cat girls rejoice, Tabaxi is here - obsessed with stuff and quite the sightseer, fast like a cat, get claws and climb far, tons of coats like leopard and tiger and jaguar Tiefling is a demon with a lot of looks, they’re horny and hot and often a provoker, in the lore anyway a of lot of hate, it’s normal I guess when youre a panties soaker If you wanna be big and reptilian, who’s strong and hardy, then Tortle, has a shell that’s AC is a million, so have fun being a hermit immortal Triton is just an aquatic elf who evolved itself in t he continental shelf, and you’re basically aquaman, fish can understand you, NO they won't do your laundry just cause you demand to The Verdin is like a goblin but pretentious, mind powers that’d make mystics contentious, and a buncha passive shit, what is this peace hour? Come back and talk to me when you learn real power. Yuan-ti Pureblood like humans but snakey, never make a date with one, I hear they’re real flakey. Manipulative bunch, with magic resistance, don't take their oral offer, no matter their persistence Spirit Human mix is the Kalashtar, got a lotta mind shit that’s really bizarre, like telepathy, dream protectively, like angels if they couldn't be effectively The Shifter’s like a half lycanthrope, with four different types with exclusive features, you can't transform at least not fully, so you’ll often look more like a freakish creature Simic Hybrids are random fusions of aquatic things like a squid or a crab, and gain bonuses depending which ones, so have some big pincers for new ways to stab Warforged - robots forged for war, dont have to eat or sleep or breath and what’s more is you’re tanky as well, being hard as steel, the only downside is you’ll never truly feel. Vedalken tells us nobody’s perfect, look like na-vi people without the long neck, they get lots of bonuses to smarts not shocking, good luck ever getting one to stop talking And that’s the lot, and always remember class race importance is pretty seldom Use whatever you fancy, make a chubby fighter dancy, now you know how to pick your race, you’re welcome

    1. Vanessa Aiselbrown
      Vanessa Aiselbrown
      3 dögum síðan

      Is this the last crap guide to DND?

    2. Yooran
      28 dögum síðan


    3. jonathon rockall
      jonathon rockall
      Mánuði síðan

      Im going to say this more than once a crap guide to dming!

    4. Hamburger Sandwich
      Hamburger Sandwich
      Mánuði síðan

      Instead of listening to Eminem or Snoop Dog rap, this is what us nerds rap along to

    5. Hiker David
      Hiker David
      Mánuði síðan

      You know dragonborn aren't half dragons

  2. TheIceThorn
    7 klukkustundum síðan

    I want Nhym Vs JoCat :| I want it now. Eminem can shut. This is it my mind is set. It's goin be raw. Rhimes gettin' fat.

  3. Emma
    11 klukkustundum síðan

    Neat, a Rap Guide to D&D.

  4. Breadface
    13 klukkustundum síðan

    I plan on making a tabaxi that acts like your average house cat. Imagine this: You and your allies checked if the treasure on the podium is trapped and it is so you decide to not touch it at all and just walk away. You then realize that your rogue isn't with you, you turn around and see them next to the trapped treasure. You see it in their eyes, the rogue wants to knock it over. You beg them not to but they don't listen. The trap is triggered and a boulder comes rolling down killing anyone with low health while injuring the rest.

  5. Ben Sarm Chuqui
    Ben Sarm Chuqui
    Degi Síðan síðan

    Wizard Orc for hard mode

  6. Bennett Moseley
    Bennett Moseley
    Degi Síðan síðan

    This kinda hits tho...

  7. TheDamnedDog
    Degi Síðan síðan

    I’m gonna be singing this for weeks you ass

  8. Darksteel Heart
    Darksteel Heart
    Degi Síðan síðan

    Dude. This is awesome!

  9. Panda Melon
    Panda Melon
    Degi Síðan síðan

    My character is literally a earth genasi barbarian. (Thinking of making him a a artificer barbarian)

  10. Jonathan Williams
    Jonathan Williams
    2 dögum síðan

    I became a follower today, well after watching all of joCats vids. Keep up the great work! Top 3 favorite dnd animated artist, Puffin forest, Dingo Doodles and JoCat.

  11. SA Soldier
    SA Soldier
    2 dögum síðan

    Digging the What I feel is a Bo Burnham Homage

  12. Leaping Lizard gaming
    Leaping Lizard gaming
    2 dögum síðan

    What dlc is free

  13. xXx_CheesyTurtle_xXx
    2 dögum síðan


  14. Cade Vaughn
    Cade Vaughn
    2 dögum síðan

    My character is a goliath barbarian

  15. Person that is named Frank
    Person that is named Frank
    3 dögum síðan

    When Jocat said in his bard video that the only way to play was with a lyre in one hand in a sword in the other. I don’t think Jocat needs the sword part to be good.

  16. K H
    K H
    3 dögum síðan

    I cant shake the feeling that the sound of this was somewhat inspired by "Chew Toy" from "Bloodhound Gang"

  17. Hunter Knoettner
    Hunter Knoettner
    3 dögum síðan

    What song are the horns sampled from?

  18. Hunter Powers
    Hunter Powers
    3 dögum síðan

    Bear if you can see this then hi.

  19. Donny Dark
    Donny Dark
    3 dögum síðan

    Holy fuck that was AWESOME 😎

  20. knyle 64
    knyle 64
    3 dögum síðan

    Are most of these homebrew or can you find them online or in a book

  21. Cyanic
    4 dögum síðan

    wigglercat: disses humans for being average and boring Variant Humans: *hold my customization*

  22. Leasagna
    4 dögum síðan

    where all my half orc barbarian bois at

  23. Old Grumpy Bear
    Old Grumpy Bear
    4 dögum síðan

    I'd love to see all these characters animated in an adventure. Need some bardXpaladin action.

  24. Jose Adrian Martinez Villegas
    Jose Adrian Martinez Villegas
    4 dögum síðan

    Press like if you noticed the furry joke not told

  25. Andrew Sawyer
    Andrew Sawyer
    5 dögum síðan


  26. Permit Hurple
    Permit Hurple
    5 dögum síðan

    The dragonborn section is soooooooooooo wrong. Dragonborn are their own races and they DONT have tails. Anyone else notice this????

  27. Thunder Muffin
    Thunder Muffin
    5 dögum síðan

    Absolute bop

  28. Umbreon Umbrage
    Umbreon Umbrage
    5 dögum síðan

    He has a video where he made a joke along the lines of “ you say a magical yo mama joke and you appointment takes psychic damage “ what video was that if anyone know

    1. Satan
      5 dögum síðan

      Sounds like something a bard would do

  29. Sound Glave
    Sound Glave
    5 dögum síðan

    A rap guide to dnd

  30. Xeno794
    5 dögum síðan

    Snom tho

  31. Joshua Fogg
    Joshua Fogg
    5 dögum síðan

    Fey Corgi.

  32. The Gentleman
    The Gentleman
    5 dögum síðan

    I am deeply attracted to the dwarf and am trying to decipher if that means I'm straight or not

    1. Giorgio Falà
      Giorgio Falà
      5 dögum síðan

      It's normal to be attracted to a beautiful beard. It's all ok, don't sweat it.

  33. Ethan Silver
    Ethan Silver
    5 dögum síðan

    this music is so fucking sexy

  34. Nicolas Bernard
    Nicolas Bernard
    5 dögum síðan

    Finally a song as catchy than informal

  35. Blake Brown
    Blake Brown
    5 dögum síðan

    You put in lolcantha but not the grung? Sad times....

  36. Akumu San
    Akumu San
    6 dögum síðan

    The beat reminds me of Bo Burnham lol

  37. DoomsArbiter
    6 dögum síðan

    My bruh not to cramp yo style but you forgot grung little frog dudes

  38. Quinn D. Silvers
    Quinn D. Silvers
    6 dögum síðan

    I'm amazed that you could make a song about all the races! So crazy!!

  39. TheRamenShamen
    7 dögum síðan

    Hey I am not a dumb people

  40. Doc Longwell
    Doc Longwell
    7 dögum síðan

    Holy Crap Dude! This was insane. I always liked these videos.... But this was amazing

  41. Chaos gamer 1_p
    Chaos gamer 1_p
    7 dögum síðan

    Elves are papa's pricks a dozen flavors to match and mix,can his rhymes get any better and true

    1. Collin Buckman
      Collin Buckman
      4 dögum síðan

      *pompous pricks

  42. niteliniN
    7 dögum síðan

    After seeing all this I'm decided, I'll Play a sexy Barbarian/Sorcerer Gobling next time I'm playing D&D. Just hope the DM isn't a dick. Fireball till spell slots run out and then rage like there's no tomorrow.

  43. Tucker Coolman
    Tucker Coolman
    7 dögum síðan

    This is amazing

  44. sunbabybull
    8 dögum síðan

    I know it’s been asked, but how long did it take you to practice for this video?

  45. Spooder Memes
    Spooder Memes
    8 dögum síðan

    Does he mean half dragon?

  46. Cyril Gigee
    Cyril Gigee
    8 dögum síðan

    Only true Chads play Warforged Warlocks and Kenku Monks.

  47. Games'N'Things
    8 dögum síðan

    Nice Bo Burnham Remix

  48. Thresher MAW
    Thresher MAW
    8 dögum síðan

    I wonder, what ever happened to gnolls?

    1. Collin Buckman
      Collin Buckman
      4 dögum síðan

      Not playable in 5e afaik. Volo's Guide to Monsters gives information on them as a race, and statblocks fore enemy Gnolls, but doesn't provide any playable stats (only providing player stats for Bugbears, Goblins, Hobgoblins, Kobolds, Orcs, and Yuan-Ti Purebloods)

  49. Xayte
    8 dögum síðan

    Hey, Humans aint boring. Its one thing to kill an immortal dark lord when your race births naturally good archers who can all do magic and are good at everything. Its another thing to do so when your species only gimmick is that youre slightly above average at farming.

  50. bodki malone
    bodki malone
    9 dögum síðan

    What class and don't say rogue...with changeling

  51. Cyrus Earthdrake
    Cyrus Earthdrake
    9 dögum síðan

    I play as a Gnoll Wizard

  52. Ammon Ohai
    Ammon Ohai
    9 dögum síðan

    I return here every so often. Just to rejuvenate ya know?

  53. Death_Defying
    9 dögum síðan

    Killed it.

  54. Montgomery Urrutia
    Montgomery Urrutia
    9 dögum síðan

    A crap guide to blood hunter?

  55. Danny Hayek
    Danny Hayek
    9 dögum síðan

    Years of talking fast has finally prepared you.

  56. Riley Gobin
    Riley Gobin
    10 dögum síðan

    Subbed after that intro man. Absolute amazing

  57. The Animator Of Animation
    The Animator Of Animation
    10 dögum síðan

    Raaciiiiists, all the raaciiiiists

  58. Peter Stamerra
    Peter Stamerra
    10 dögum síðan

    This song convinced me to try more exotic races. Good job!

  59. Gabe Pickens
    Gabe Pickens
    10 dögum síðan

    Just realized that the artificer is missing from the intro sequence

  60. Devil Kats
    Devil Kats
    10 dögum síðan

    O jesus. I dont know how i feel about my campaign with my tiefling now